A little under 2 years ago my dream of having another child died with a miscarriage. I was broken physically, spiritually, and emotionally! With that miscarriage went my hope, at the age of 39 pregnancy is not easy to come by.
This has been hard to have hope in any the areas of my life. It is interesting that when hope or a dream dies in one area, all the hopes and dreams in your life seem to be second guessed. No matter how much you trust in God, the loss of hope is hard to find faith.
Many people experience loss of hope is so many parts of their lives, losing a child or parent, being single when your desire is to be married, divorce (yours or your parents), loss of a job, the lost can go on and on. How do we step out into life again. To be frank, I have not. I have pulled away from everyone and hidden under my covers! Getting out of bed (for other falling asleep) has been hard. I will be completely variable: My HOPE was gone, not suicidal, just full of hopelessness. I saw no light, I gave up on myself (who cares what I eat or if I exercise - no baby = no reason to care). I got up ever morning to fulfill my duties, not to live life. I prayed because it is what a pastor's wife does not because I figured God cared. I went to church to keep my daughter in church, not because God had plan for me.
Amazing how something which may seem small to others can cripple the way we live. I quit several of my ministries because it was to painful to see pregnant women and little kids. The life loving, dream chasing, laughing woman had died with my hope for a another child.
Then in May, my husband was asked to speak at a conference for prayer leaders across the nation, and they would pay for me to go with. I am sure you guessed, I struggled to say yes. I really did not want to go. I decided to be a support to him and say I would go, I thought, I can stay in the room and nap! When the week before this retreat came, I was wishing for a way out...the tears are now not daily but hourly! I see the schedule and I am expected to be at the retreat which has no tv, no internet, and please do not use your phone policies plus 4 days of just praying and eating....no joke! I was okay with the eating plan but the praying plan seemed pointless and overwhelming to me.
To say that week was life changing would under sell it. I have hope again, not spotlights and glitter hope like before, but "I can make it" hope! Why, I found God's love again that weekend, through others and in prayer with Him!Being in God's presence will always change you. Pushing to find a new hope or dream through Him. Making small steps I can find a new hope or dream. Do I still cry daily - YES, hourly no! Small steps of hope through daily talking and listening to the One who gives hope.
I pray you can find your hope again! Be kind to yourself. you do not try to be over your lose when others think it is time. Find time to be with God, not out of duty but to cry with Him and hear his heart crying with you! And remember take your mom's advice one day at a time, God will give you hope again.
